Toni. 20. Denver. High



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I finally found someone I vibe so fucking well with & someone I’m actually into.
No flaws.
Which is crazy because I’m picky as fuck when it comes to men..

But this one, is perfect.
& I have to leave him tomorrow :( 

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I’m even more obsessed with The Weeknd after last night.
So fucking mesmerizing.  

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I like to be by myself because I understand myself better than anyone even tries to.
It has literally come to my attention and been confirmed that “treat people the way you’d like to be treated” is out of the books and utter bullshit.

I have bitten on my tongue so many times just to avoid controversy against the people who are too sucked up into their own ego, and I’ve come to find that it’s just best for me to pass up those kinds of people. I have the biggest heart in the entire world, with the strongest exterior known to exist. I’m not easily broken, that’s for sure.

But I am also human. I also hurt, I also like to vent, I also like receiving some advice, I also like talking about what’s currently going on my mind. But I have yet to find someone who can do something so simple, be a friend. 

I love being as unbreakable as I am but at the same time, I’m a bottle waiting to pop off. 
I’m tired of being the hand to reach out to others without receiving the same in return. I don’t ask for much, in fact, I ask for very little if not anything at all. All I truly ask is that the generosity, the compassion and the love I put so much energy into, is returned to me. 

I also love being that person my friends can come to when seeking advice or guidance, I take it as a compliment. But it’s so energy consuming when I’m trying to hold myself and them as well. The concept of “give and take” needs to be evaluated a little more thoroughly because I feel like I give so much energy and take none, and it’s draining me. It’s mentally draining me & I’m worried about what could become of me if this is going to be continuous. 

I just need someone who’s leveled with me. A fucking friend. 

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My biggest pet peeve really is when people can’t mind their own business or try to get involved with a situation that has absolutely NOTHING to do with them.
Minding your own business makes you mature, not because it’s dodging drama, but because it’s simply the best thing to do if you really think about it.
There are two sides to every story, or in some cases 3. Generally speaking.
And only the people involved fully understand the entire situation. Any outsiders just believe whatever’s told to them. But if you’re fucking SMART and fucking GROWN, you would back the fuck out of what isn’t your business & let the people involved figure their own shit out. Fuck, it’s really not that hard.

(Source: c0mereal)

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I love listening to old rock that reminds me of my parents. It reminds me of all the camping trips, all the traditions, all the memories we shared when we were all together as a family. I would give anything in the world to have my family and home life back together. Now I just get to sit here & only hope.

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It really sucks when you finally face the reality of a major situation.

All my life I’ve had you, I’ve had you as my best friend, my sister, my other half, my partner in crime, my ride or die. We’d be everywhere together, we could make a room full of silence into a room full of laughter & we wouldn’t care what anyone thought of us. We just had each other & that’s all that really mattered.

I love you to the moon and back and I always want you to be happy, you deserve to be happy. You deserve nothing but that. 
But facing the facts the past couple of days, you’ve changed. You’ve changed so much it hurts in fact. I don’t know if you see it, but I do.

I miss the days when we would go out and be reckless together, when we would actually have fun together, the days when we didn’t give a fuck. I understand growing up and maturing but we’re only nineteen years old.. You have time to act like you’re forty, when you’re forty.

I’m glad you went and fell in love, because you’re happiness means a lot to me. But, you’re deserting a lot of people too. You’re leaving them behind and I don’t even think you see it.  I will always love you, and always support you like I have for the past 13 years. But I can’t deny to myself, I just miss the old you. So much.

But I can’t be selfish in this situation.
I love you sister, you will always be my other half. Family may go their separate ways for a little but they always stick together. I will always believe that in my heart. I just miss you. 

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I will always think that the story of how my grandparents met is the most adorable thing in the entire world.

My grandpa was born in Kansas, my grandma in Japan. Two completely different people in two completely different places.
My grandpa was ported to Japan to be a pharmacist during the war, my grandma being a nurse, they met and fell madly in love. Nine months later, my mom was born in Fukuoka, Japan. When she was three years old, they crossed over to the states. All 3 of them, together. As a new family. 


I think about this all the time. Imagine how much you’d have to love someone to give up your whole life in a completely different country to start over in an unfamiliar one.. I’d imagine a lot.

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I seriously laugh at 95% of the people I personally know because everyone’s just so caught up in their ego’s it’s just ridiculous. Nobody’s ever just content with just doing their own thing, relying on themselves, or being alone. No, people just have to be that desperate to jump up and attack the opportunity to be accepted and admired, to have friends, to appear to be cool as fuck on the outside when half the time the exterior doesn’t even slightly match the interior just because they regard other people’s opinions too much & too seriously. This isn’t just me being cliché or typical, it’s me just getting deep in my thoughts as always. But all I do is laugh to myself, because I seriously can’t stand majority of the people that live here. Not trying to sound anti-social, just being completely honest.

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I love this part

My mom is ze cutest

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I want to be here to love and support you. But I have some things I need to straighten out for myself. Sometimes you just have to do what’s best, even if it’s not what you want.

I hope you can see it that way. 

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Something I really can’t do,
is live around negative energy. I’ve spent so long building up a stable mindset for myself & I’m comfortable with it. & that’s what makes this so hard because I love the living hell out of you but I just wish you’d think a lot more positive. It would actually do you a lot of good & I just wish you would take my advice and actually apply it. I’m a dependable person but that doesn’t mean I don’t have problems of my own I’m already stressing about & that certainly doesn’t mean I have the answers to yours..

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As much as I hate getting into political debates with people, sometimes it has to be done because people are just so fucking ignorant.

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Hearing how weak your voice is, and getting the news I got is not what I need right now. I miss you everyday & love you so much, as a person. Still hearing your positive words & your smart ass attitude makes me smile but cry at the same time. You are forever in my heart, and I hope to God, you pull through. Somebody, anybody, please help :’( 

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In all honesty,

fuck divorce.
At first, the thought of it didn’t really seem like it would be as harsh as it really is but now that I’ve experienced it in my life, it’s a piece of shit. Especially when all your life you’ve been accustomed to & so comfortable with your parents being together & then all of a sudden it’s all taken away. Your home no longer has the comforting feeling it once did, you walk around only to feel the memories it once held, & you constantly have a homesick feeling because both halves of your heart are in two separate places. It’s even shittier knowing that it’s not going to ever be the same. It’s literally like a piece of your heart is missing. So many mixed emotions. It’s been two years since my parents separated & I’m STILL adjusting to the changes. It fucking sucks.

Future child of mine, just know that I promise I will try my hardest to hold it together for you so you don’t have to experience something like this.

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